The Trick is to Keep Breathing
by yumi-maki
Summary: AU Modern. Sometimes life throws you for a loop & you end up in a situation that you never expected to be in & can't easily get out of, no matter how much you want to. When that happens, all you can do is keep breathing and try to make the right choice.
1. Wrong Time, Wrong Place

**The Trick is to Keep Breathing**

**Chapter 1**

**July 27th - 'Sharing pains and not joys'**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

**A/N: **This is an AU story that deals with some pretty heavy topics. I'm not trying to make light of anything or show how I think people should respond to a situation like this. I'm not questioning anyone's ethics or morals or the like so please refrain from questioning mine. That said, I hope you enjoy the story. I never thought I'd be tackling this kind of thing but here I am - I just hope I do it justice. Feel free to leave suggestions or comments - I'm all for that. By the way, the first three chapters were initially posted in another story called Pictures of You but since this is now a separate story, I'll be deleting those according to FFN's rules. Thanks for reading!

She stared out listlessly at the snow-filled courtyard. The landscape was much like her right now - cold, empty, silent. She was tempted to say barren but that was the last word she would use in this situation.

She was unaware of so much at the moment - the darkness quickly falling around her, the snow falling even faster, the numbness that spread through her body as the cold overwhelmed her. She could think of nothing but the life growing inside of her and the chaos it was about to cause.

She was not angry, hurt but not angry. Who would she be angry at? Herself or him? A soft sound escaped her lips, a scoff? a hiss? Who was she trying to fool? She could never be angry at him, although she was sorely tempted to be considering the way things were. It's funny this should happen now, now when he'd finally taken off (yes, she had felt it coming - for quite some time, in fact).

She looked down now, zoning in on on her feet. They were the only part of her that wasn't cold, clad as they were in dark, heavy snow shoes. Was it snowing where he was? Perhaps. There was no sense wondering - she'd probably never know.

She wondered how he would feel - to know he was a father, or going to be at any rate. Would he have left still, if this had happened a few weeks ago? Or would he have stayed and weathered the storm with her, bogged down by his powerful sense of duty? Would she have preferred it that way?

She couldn't say.

_'It doesn't matter now anyway,'_ she thought, shaking her head suddenly. _'He's gone and I don't know when - or if - I'll ever see him again.'_ It suddenly hit her that she was going to be a single mother - she was a statistic now, the stuff of memories, of gossip, of stories - _You don't know? She was a great student, wonderful grades, charming personality - very promising but then she got knocked up in her first year of med. school. And her whole career went right down the drain._

Her eyes drifted to her stomach and her fingers, practically frozen solid, tentatively patted the flesh there. It wasn't the baby's fault. It was hers - and his too, she supposed. The baby shouldn't be punished for their bad decisions but...how could she have a child? Now? When everything was finally coming together - or falling apart depending on how you looked at it.

She should have been happy - that's how you were supposed to feel upon learning something like this. Nervous, sure but still happy. She wasn't happy. Another scoff - she was the furthest from happy that she had been in a long time.

She sighed quietly, turning it over and over in her brilliant mind. So what was she going to do now - about the baby? She had to think for two now, right? Herself and her baby. It was just her baby, now that he was gone.

Soft footsteps broke her concentration, the usually loud sound muffled by the fresh, pure snow. She kept her head down - unable to bring herself to look up and face whoever was approaching.

"Sakura-chan?" a familiar, always too loud voice broke the silence. "What are you doing out here? I've been looking for you everywhere!" Naruto announced as he came to a stop in front of her. His voice echoed through the courtyard, creating a steady stream of sound totally opposed to the silence that Sakura had become accustomed to.

His eyes widened slightly when she remained silent and he promptly threw himself into a sitting position next to her, straining to peer at her face. She was frighteningly pale and her lips were turning blue, a sure sign that she'd been out here too long. "Sakura?" he said again, his voice softening in his concern, "What's wrong?"

She didn't respond, just kept playing with her fingers - something he had only ever seen Hinata do with such concentration. Frowning, he reached out and took her hands in his - starting a little when he realized how cold they were - but he didn't move his eyes from her face, not for one minute, intent as he was on getting some answers.

"Sakura-chan," he started again, voice still soft, placating, "you know you can talk to me. You can tell me anything. Is it that teme again? Are you still worried about him?"

For the first time since he arrived, Sakura turned her head very slowly and looked at him, her usually vibrant eyes dark and glazed over.

"Naruto?" she choked out, her voice cracking slightly from cold and disuse. She tilted her head slightly and a spark of life flitted through her eyes as she searched his face wonderingly, as if seeing him for the very first time.

This display should have reassured him but instead Naruto felt even more disturbed. He couldn't stand seeing her like this - she hadn't been the same since Sasuke had left. Still, he had thought she was getting better.

"Sakura-chan," Naruto said, his voice coming out more like a whine in his upset, "I _told_ you not to worry about him. He's going to come back, I'm sure of it! He just needs some time to figure himself out. That's all."

"Naruto." Sakura spoke, placing her hand lightly on his chest to stop him from going any further - she didn't want to hear that right now. "It's not...it's not about him," she murmured, closing her eyes tightly against the pain, then she took a deep breath before continuing, "It's me."

Naruto's blue eyes clouded in confusion, "You? What is it then? Is it something with school or...?" he trailed off, unable to fathom any other problem she could have.

Sakura kept her eyes closed and her breathing even - she hadn't intended to tell anyone, not until she decided what she was going to do at least but maybe, maybe Naruto could help. She wasn't sure how yet but it had to be better than going through this alone. She opened her eyes and looked up into his, owlishly wide and concerned.

"Naruto, I..." Suddenly she could barely find the strength to speak - it felt as though there was something lodged in her throat, "I'm..." She clenched her fists and prepared herself for his reaction. "I'm pregnant," she spoke quickly, the words coming out in a jumble, "and I don't know what to do."

Naruto pulled back slightly, taking some time to process what she had said. Sakura..._pregnant?_ The next, most obvious question appeared in his head - For who?

He didn't realize that he had spoken aloud until he felt Sakura pull away and looked up to see her glossy hair come down like a barrier in front of her face and shield it from view. Acutely aware of his mistake, Naruto immediately started to backtrack, his voice returning to its usual volume in his haste, "I'm sorry about that, Sakura-chan. That was stupid of me - I didn't mean it at all. Of course, I know who the father is - I mean, I know you're not...like that," he amended, looking away slightly in embarrassment.

"It's okay, Naruto," Sakura uttered tonelessly. Here she was - always pacifying, self sacrificing even now when she wanted nothing more than to send him away. She shook her head, kicking herself for her stupidity - Why had she thought he would be able to help?

Just then, the second part of Sakura's statement clicked in Naruto's brain - '_I don't know what to do'._ This was his chance, he realized - now he could make up for that blunder. "You should know, Sakura," he started earnestly, dropping the honorific to underscore his seriousness and waiting until she had turned back to look at him before continuing, "that I'm here for you. Whatever you decide, I'll be here and I'll support you. I won't judge you or anything like that. It's - it's your decision. Anyway, I have faith in you, Sakura," he murmured, his eyes boring into hers, "and I know you'll do the right thing."

For the first time since the little white stick had turned blue, tears pricked the back of Sakura's eyes and as she leaned forward and buried her head in Naruto's chest so that he wouldn't see her cry, one thought ran through her mind - Sure, Naruto trusted her to make the right decision but could she trust herself to?

**END OF CHAPTER 1.**


	2. Us Against The World

**The Trick is to Keep Breathing**

**Chapter 2**

**When It Isn't Like It Should Be**

**July 29th - Love is.**

**A/N: Know that Sakura and Ino are roommates.**

"Sakura, let me in."

Sakura sighed and turned to the blond sitting on the bed across from her. "What are you talking about, Ino?" she asked tiredly, not even bothering to keep the disinterest out of her voice.

Ino frowned at her, "I'm talking about the fact that you're obviously keeping something from me. Now spill - you know we're not supposed to keep secrets from each other." She paused then to give Sakura time to reply. When she remained silent, Ino ventured a guess, "Are you worrying about that damn Sasuke again? Because if you are - "

"Ino, please!" Sakura responded, quickly and effectively shutting her friend up. She still couldn't handle hearing people talk about him. "That's not it, okay?"

"Well then what _is _'it'?" Ino replied loudly, barely containing the hurt she felt at not being privy to a part of Sakura's life. For years now, they had been telling each other everything. Now what could be so bad that Sakura couldn't confide in her?

"It's nothing, Ino," Sakura responded, stretching out and turning away from her. "So just leave me alone, okay?" Her last words were muffled by the blanket she had just pulled over her head.

Sakura suddenly wished that she'd decided to go home for Christmas vacation - but then it would just have been her mother pestering her. She sighed softly - was there nowhere that she could get some peace and quiet?

Sakura let out another sigh as she heard the soft squeak of Ino's bed springs, then her quiet footsteps. Oh boy - she was coming over. She was right - in just a few minutes, the blanket slid off of her face and Ino came into view.

Ino stared unblinkingly into Sakura's eyes, her expression concerned and a little bit sad. "I'm just worried about you, Forehead," she murmurred, shaking her head slightly. "You're not acting like yourself - you don't go out, you spend all of your time in bed, you don't talk to anyone besides me and Naruto and you barely tell us anything. Can you blame me for being concerned?"

Sakura looked away, trying to fight the guilt that suddenly threatened to overwhelm her - she had been so upset lately that she hadn't really given any thought to the way this looked to her friends. "I'm sorry, Ino," she replied finally, moving aside to make room for her on the bed, "I'm just not ready to talk right now."

Ino climbed onto the little bed and settled in beside her, turning her brilliant blue eyes upon the ceiling above them. She desperately wanted to ask "why" but she figured that that probably wouldn't get her anywhere - except kicked out of bed. "It's okay, Forehead," she replied, then promptly added, "just promise you'll tell me as soon as you can."

Sakura smiled faintly and nodded, not even bothered by the fact that it caused her head to bump into Ino's elbow, "I promise."

They remained silent for a long while, contemplating the checkered pattern on the ceiling before Ino, unable to leave things as they were, inclined her head slightly in Sakura's direction and whispered, "But is it something big?"

"Yes, Ino," Sakura replied, not venturing any more information.

"Life-changing?"

There was a pause, then Sakura nodded almost imperceptibly. It was a good thing Ino was lying next to her otherwise she might have missed it.

"Wow," Ino muttered, "now I really want to know."

Sakura rolled her eyes, then moved closer and rested her head on her friend's shoulder before closing her eyes and pulling the blanket up around them. "Don't worry, Ino," she replied, a faint smile touching her cheeks, "you'll know soon enough."

Ino stared wistfully at the pink head on her shoulder before finally letting out a small sigh and closing her eyes as well. "Whatever you say, Sakura," she responded as she turned off the light.

**A/N:** Love is having someone to count on. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for reading! Feel free to drop me a line.


	3. Love is Wicked

**The Trick is to Keep Breathing**

**Chapter 3**

**July 30th - White**

Trembling, eager fingers ran through dark, wavy hair, twisting it slowly into knots.

Pretty pink lips turned upwards into a tight, contained smile as green eyes brightened for the first time in ages.

"Hey." His voice was just as she remembered, deep and dark and mysterious.

"Hey yourself," she responded, watching carefully as he reached forward and patted his knee.

Barely containing herself, she moved forward and slid onto his lap, her fingers moving down to his face, her eyes never leaving his for a moment. "I missed you."

He was watching her still, his eyes burning with an intensity that she had long since gotten used to and which she now realized she had missed. She smiled wider as his arm slid around her waist, holding her to him.

She leaned forward and rested her forehead on his as her fingers retraced the outline of his face, recolonising it and reclaiming it as her own. Had others touched his skin so tenderly when he'd been away? She decided that she didn't care, nothing he had done mattered anymore, now that he was here.

"Where were you all this time?" she whispered, revelling in the feel of his eyelashes as they touched her cheek every time he blinked.

"Soul searching," he replied tonelessly, staring out past her shoulder, mentally reliving the months that he had been gone.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" She hoped he had - desperately because she wasn't sure that she could bear losing him twice.

"Yes," he responded, moving back slightly and fixing her with that piercing gaze once again. He reached forward and touched her face gently, an uncharacteristic shyness to the movement. "Yes, I found it."

Sakura tilted her head slightly, eyes widening in astonishment as she wondered silently what more he had to say. So she was taken aback when he moved forward suddenly, pausing just before their lips touched.

Sakura breathed very slowly, her eyes on his, shivering slightly as his thumb traced circles on her cheek. "What did you find?" she murmured, sounding slightly preoccupied.

"My soul," he whispered back, "I left it here."

She moved unthinkingly then, closing the distance between them by pressing her lips to his in a fierce, manic kiss totally unlike her. It didn't seem to faze him though for he wound his arms tighter around her waist and pulled her closer to him, kissing her back with a ferocity that she had never before experienced.

Her arms circled his shoulders and she tightened them as much as she could, determined to hold on to him this time, to stop him from slipping away as he had done countless times before.

_Plop._

Sakura's eyes opened and immediately met an overwhelming darkness. She raised her hand and touched her forehead, sighing as she realized that it_ was _a dream and that a drop of water from her leaking roof had jerked her awake.

Sighing frustratedly, she turned and stared into the darkness above Ino's bed. She had been hoping, praying even that this time it would be real. He had felt so close! He had been right there! And she was even able to touch him...she shook her head - what she would give to be able to touch him again, just once.

She shook her head slightly to try to shake those hurtful thoughts from her head. This was ridiculous - how was she supposed to get over him when he appeared to her every night? At this rate, she would never let go! And she had to...because no matter what Naruto said, Sasuke wasn't coming back - and it was time she stop waiting for him to.

She turned over again, moving her head so that the rain wouldn't fall on her anymore and closed her eyes, willing herself not to dream of him again. She got her wish - when she drifted off that night, all she saw was a limitless wall of white.

**A/N: **So did I get you with that dream twist or did you see it coming? Please leave a review and let me know what you think. And don't let the pairing stop you from reading - the story's ultimately about Sakura (our heroine!). I'm always happy to hear what you have to say. Have a good day and thanks for reading!


	4. The Reason

**The Trick is to Keep Breathing**

**Chapter 4**

**July 31st - 'Against all reason'**

**Dedicated to InosBane who initially encouraged me to follow this storyline. Thank you for all of your kindness and support!**

It was raining tonight. Fat, heavy drops steadily pounded the roof of Sakura and Ino's apartment building. Sakura's eyes shifted automatically to the ceiling just as an errant thought crossed her mind - it had been raining like this_ that_ night, on their very first night together. A faint smile spread across her face as certain memories came to the forefront of her mind, unbidden.

She allowed herself to reminisce for a few moments but stopped before she became too engrossed in the past. _'It's best not to think of him too much,'_ she reminded herself, leaning forward and placing her head under the cold water flowing from the shower jets as though the water could wash away the memories still lingering in her mind.

After a few seconds, she reached out and turned off the water, simultaneously heaving a great sigh. How could she allow herself to occupy her thoughts with memories of him when she had much more important things to think about? Namely the child that she was bearing - the one that she had yet to come to a decision about.

Shaking her head slightly, Sakura reached up and pulled down her towel, then wrapped it carefully around herself. Then she reached out and pulled the shower curtain aside, stepping out swiftly in an attempt to minimize the effect of the cold. As she moved from the shower into the bathroom itself, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

Sakura turned fully to face the mirror, peering into it and studying her features intently. As far as she could tell, they hadn't changed - and yet she looked so different. She had thought that she knew who she was - that she had reached a point in her life where her beliefs and her values were strong and decided but now she couldn't help questioning that. She never would have considered herself the kind of person who would get an abortion - and yet here she was, seriously considering it.

She had tried to talk herself into it - it wasn't so bad, right? People got them all the time and went on to lead happy, fulfilling lives. Sure, some of them regretted their decision afterwards but maybe that was a small amount, the minority. She sighed and slumped onto the toilet seat dejectedly - was she seriously considering doing this? Is this who she was now? Was she just making a bad situation worse - taking the easy way out so that _her_ life wouldn't be inconvenienced?

But then again, that made it sound like she could provide for the baby. As far as she knew, all she could give a baby right now was love and important as that was, there were a lot of other, _crucial _things that a child needed, things like food and shelter that she wasn't sure she could provide. This wasn't just about _her_ life anymore - she had to think about what would be best for the baby. Was being raised by a twenty-three year old single mother it? It didn't seem like it.

She couldn't help wondering again what he would think of all this - would he support this decision? The one time that they had spoken about children, he said that he wanted some - _'two or three might be nice', _he'd murmured, an uncharacteristically optimistic look in his eyes. Well, would he have said the same thing if they had been talking about having them right now?

Sakura leaned back against the toilet tank and placed her wet feet against the wall, glaring at the ceiling through which the raindrops could still be heard. _'Well, abortion isn't the only option,' _she thought quickly, feeling guilty that it was even on the list, _'I could always look into adoption.'_ She would still have to endure the pain of the pregnancy and the stigma that accompanied it but at least that way she might be able to guarantee her child a better life. She could do one of those open adoptions where she could get to know the family beforehand and determine whether or not their home was a suitable environment for the baby, just like the girl in that movie - Juno.

That didn't sound so bad...but could she really give her child away, after carrying it for nine months and feeling it grow inside of her? To give him to virtual strangers, never to be seen again or have her knowledge of her relegated to an occasional letter or photograph? Please! She'd never even been able to walk past a stray dog or cat without bringing it home. She'd always been way too kind-hearted for her own good. And now she was going to try to give away her own flesh and blood? The idea seemed presposterous, even to her.

Sakura placed her head in the fold of her arms as a low, mournful groan escaped her. That was it - she had laid out all the options and still hadn't come to a conclusion. She just wished there was a simple way to decide this - couldn't she get a sign or something telling her what she was supposed to do? It could just be something small, just as long as it was clear and decisive.

Just then, Ino's voice invaded her mind. "Sakura! What's the hold up?! I want you to come out and see something!"

Sakura sighed and glanced at the door, instantly starting to feel the onset of a head-ache. "Ino," she replied, her voice sounding weak and frail, "can't you show me some other time? I'm really just not feeling well."

A very loud sigh could be heard on the other side of the door. "Fine. If you can't come out, I'll just send it in there then."

Before Sakura could protest, a sharp, scratchy noise sounded on the linoleum floor of the bathroom. Sakura looked down and saw a white square on the floor, recognizing it immediately as a photograph. Reluctantly, she bent over and picked it up, flipping it over, intending to glance at the picture and then comment accordingly to placate her friend but she froze as soon as she processed the image that she was seeing. She continued staring at it for a few minutes, her mouth stuck in the shape of an 'O'.

"Sakura?" Ino called, a mix of confusion and excitement in her voice. "It's my sister and her baby! Mom and Dad just sent it to me! They took it in the emergency room - can you believe that?"

When Sakura didn't respond, Ino pressed her ear closer to the door, her brow creasing slightly in worry. "Sakura? Are you alive in there?" she asked, waiting anxiously for a response.

"Yeah," Sakura managed to choke out, "yeah - I was just...admiring the baby. She's beautiful," she concluded, her eyes riveted to the rosy newborn's face in the picture.

As Ino started rattling off about the baby and how adorable she was, Sakura closed her eyes and turned her head skyward, whispering a quiet, tearful 'thank you' to the heavens. She wanted a sign and now she had it. Logically it didn't make sense for her to have this baby and she knew that from now on, things would be anything but easy but of one thing, she was sure - in a few months, she would be smiling just as widely as Ino's sister, holding her own rosy newborn tightly in her arms.

**A/N: Now I know that sign might seem a bit convenient but that actually happens sometimes - it's happened to me, at least. And I chose to make Sakura initially anti-abortion because I honestly don't think that it's something she would support - agreeing with that doesn't seem to fit into her character somehow. Anyway I hope I didn't offend anyone - that wasn't my intention. If I could have skipped the whole abortion thing, I would have but I wanted this story to be honest and I felt it should be included as a result. Anyway thanks for reading! Feel free to drop me a line.**


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